Just Need to Vent

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I haven’t written here in so long. So much has changed and blossomed since my last post. We’ve moved and moved again. Had a baby. Put our first baby in school. So much.

But tonight, I can’t regail you with the joys of so much beautiful change. I’m too muddled in the swamp of uncertainty that is my child’s mind. She struggling. And whilst she struggles, so do we all. I desperately want to help her. I’m tapped into every resource we can find, but we still find ourselves confined to the turmoil that lives inside her precious mind.

I have this mama gut feeling that it’s autism. I’ve read and researched and read some more. Girls don’t show symptoms in the way that boys do. And classically, boys show symptoms the way most people think of autism. My girl, she has trouble making decisions and it can as simple as what PJs to wear that night or what to play next. But if she is faced with a decision that her brain simply can’t make, she completely comes unglued. My assistance won’t help her come to a decision but often just sends her off into a deeper spiral. It’s maddening for me, so I can only imagine what it must feel like for her.

And then there’s her selective mutism. At home it comes in the form of a closed mouth whine. This usually happens in the middle of the night. She’s again, burdened by a decision to sleep in her own bed or join me and my husband in ours. But sometimes it’s needing to use the bathroom and I have to just sleepily figure out the whine without waking the baby.

Then, we also have the random acts of violence against her baby brother. Sometimes because he’s in her space and sometimes just for fun. And the maniacal giggle is enough to send any parent right over the edge. Empathy is impossible to teach.

I’m just so sad. My girl is this beautiful, kind, intelligent soul that has so much love and light in her but seems to really face a mental dilemma that paralyzes her multiple times a day. I’m exhausted, overwhelmed, and so so sad. These are the things they just don’t warn you about. Not that it would change my decision. I would choose her every time. She’s that special. I’m just so sad.

I’m back!…Overseas!

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Imagine a woman with her hair on fire, blowing into the room with lips pursed in anticipation for a year’s worth of tales that have been bottled up. That’s me. I am that woman. I have been so preoccupied with motherhood, travel, moving, life, that I’ve set my passion for writing aside. I once thought this blog would be my outlet and it never really blossomed before I lost sight of the long term vision. I apologize to you and to myself and I will attempt to set myself on schedule, as I have a lot of ideas for posts ahead.

With that said, let’s catch up. We are back overseas and have been since September 2019. We are currently residing in… drumroll, please… The Azores, Portugal. Where is that, you might ask? It’s an archipelago in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, belonging to Portugal. We are about a 2.5 hour flight to mainland Portugal, which is quite a haul. For reference, Boston, Massachusetts is about a 4 hour flight. So weird.

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I remember when I first heard about The Azores years ago from another traveling family, it conjured thoughts of a tropical paradise with a Mediterranean vibe. Which, is actually a pretty fair generalization. However, we’ve come to learn so much about these tiny islands and it’s something you can only experience to really appreciate the charm of this place.

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The streets are small and winding with spikey aloe plants, hibiscus, and hydrangeas growing in abundance. The landscape is green rolling hills speckled with cows, horses, and goats enclosed by volcanic rock fences. The ocean is visible from nearly every corner of the island and the smell of salt water permeates the air in the most gorgeous way. The climate is really quite temperate, never getting too hot or too cold. Rain is more an issue than temperature. Rain drifts in and out with ease and without notice. One must always be prepared to pack up and head indoors without a moment’s notice.

The people are kind, welcoming, and so chill. The shops are mostly small businesses, as are the restaurants. The food is cozy, a moderate blend of seafood and beef, and is infused with pepper and Mediterranean spices that fill your mouth with depth and oaky bliss. And, the coffee. Oh, the coffee and pastries bring me so much joy. Cafes/bakeries line the streets with outdoor seating aplenty and a heavy, sweet scent that pours out onto the street that grabs you by the nose, pulling you in without contest. I’m sure I will remember the taste of Meia de Leites (espresso and milk) and Dona Amélias (Azorean spice cakes) on a lazy afternoon for the rest of my life. It’s simply heaven.

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It’s just such a vibe here. The relaxed island approach coupled with Portuguese traditions and a landscape like no place else. It’s unforgettable. If only for a year, I am pleased to call this place home.

Sweet Moments

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I want to remember these moments forever. I’m currently in Keiko’s sweet nursery, sitting in her gray and white glider, rocking her to sleep as she nurses her way into dreamland. She’s got her warm, clammy hand just under my shirt, holding my belly for comfort and her little foot is tucked between my legs to toast her tiny toes. Ahhh bliss. She’s a willfully, strong minded babe but when it’s time for sleep, she surrenders to her infant desire to be held, cuddled, and loved. I never want to deny her that comfort and I want her always to think of me as that safe place. So, I’ll rock her until she’ll have it and pour all of love into her little being. My sweet Keiko Maya, mama loves you!

I’m Baaaaack +1

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It’s been so long since I have updated this blog. I’m almost a different person now. So many changes, so much time has passed, I just don’t know where to begin. Let’s just jump right in…

On December 9, 2016, my whole world changed. I became a mom. 😍 My sweet Keiko Maya was born in Harrogate, England and my heart exploded. Every cliche there is about having a baby can be inserted here. Basically, my whole world shifted in the most beautiful way.

Since then, we moved back Stateside to the east coast and we’ve settled back into American living. I still long for the adventure abroad, but right now, a peaceful existence close to my tiny human is equally as fulfilling. Soon enough we’ll teach her the joys of travel and exploration, but for now we’ll spare our sanity and live a simple life, seeing the world through the eyes of a rambunctious toddler.

I hope to get back into writing more, so hopefully this springboards me back into a regular pattern of posting.

❤️ Kimberly

Finding Home

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Let me begin by saying that we were thrown into a terribly challenging situation when we arrived in the UK. We were baptized by fire. We arrived very near to Christmas and had a very small introduction to my husband’s new work family before he was released for Christmas break and we were left to our own devices. Much like every big move, our stuff was in transit and we only had whatever would fit into our 2 large suitcases for an indefinite amount of time. Christmas would be slim and bleak. We anticipated that.

What we didn’t anticipate was that the letting agents (Americans: realtors who show rental properties) would all break for Christmas by mid-December. So, we settled into a small temporary apartment(s) and began searching online for a new permanent home. We moved 4 times in 3 months due to changing leases/rental agreements and availability. Once the letting agents opened back up around the 2nd week of the year, we started really seeing homes. After 3 long months, we found a place and settled finally had a home.

For perspective, when we moved to Korea, we were in our permanent apartment by day 10. Our belongings were delivered and assembled in their rightful places by 2 months. Wham bam thank you ma’am. Settled and content little ex-pats in no time at all.

So, here we are one year in and I am driving 35 minutes to a shopping centre that has become my little go-to getaway for a little retail therapy. As I am driving home with a passenger seat full of treasures and a left hand cradling a Starbucks latte, I realize I am finally settled. My husband is out of the country on business, I am driving in the dark, and I am singing wildly to Jess Glynne. How did this happen?christmas 2015

There’s definitely no trick to making a home abroad and there’s definitely not a set timeline, but you know it when it happens. And, it may take you by surprise. Somehow you’ve figured out the lay of the land, you can actually drive on the other side of the road [in the dark], and it feels like home. Sure, you still say “home” in reference to the place your family lives in conversation, but there’s a definite claim to this new place you spend all of your time.

I can definitely say to those of you struggling with making a home in your new overseas location, keep on. It will get easier. You will find a rhythm and a purpose. It may not look anything like what you were previously used to, but it will eventually make sense. And, don’t forget it’s OK to have moments, days, even weeks where you miss home and hate it here! but try to find the positives. Don’t spend too much time in those thoughts, because this is still your life and for better or worse, you are experiencing something in your lifetime that a select few get to experience. You will know yourself so much better because the entire world is your home.

❤ Kimberly

Lazy Sundays

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20150529_202321[1]After a long week of work, ladies day at the races (more about this in another blog), and a summer ball to boot, it was kind of nice to find recovery on the sofa with intermittent spurts of productivity. I have been fighting off a cold for the past week, which is a real kick in the gut after a couple of weeks of back pain from random muscle spasms, but I suppose that is life.

I truly feel like your body has a way of telling you that it needs a break. I also feel like my body was asking that I put it to better use instead of doing nothing strenuous for weeks on end and then suddenly driving for hours each day and catching up on a months worth of laundry in one day. So, once this cold takes a hike, I am destined to get into better shape.

I also have oddly found a small bit of joy in mowing the yard. I remember as a kid, I dreaded mowing the yard, but I think now that it is my own responsibility and the yard is rather small, I enjoy completing a task in an hours time that is visibly fulfilling.

Welp, this blog was kind of pointless and scattered, but I found this Sunday evening to be a perfect time to get back into my blogging.

❤ Kimberly

I love my mom.

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It’s a humbling and dark moment when you realize how finite your reality can truly be. And, most likely, this realization will come hurdling into your atmosphere with such unexpected strength that your breath is knocked right out of you.

A few weeks ago I was making an Ikea to grab some storage options for our new houseI had never been there before so I was using my cell phone to navigate. As I am driving and hearing Google Maps direct me to get off the motorway, I hear a text come in. Then another. And another. And they just keep rolling in. I look down to see texts from my brother and sister saying: “Call me now”, “STAT”, “Emergency”. My heart sinks. I start shaking and I frantically [and illegally] attempt to call them back. My brother answers and his voice is shaking; I immediately know something is terribly wrong. He says that my mom has suffered a stroke and is being taken to the hospital in an ambulance. He starts to cry. He cannot verbalize what I know is happening, mom may not make it. I immediately book a plane ticket and start the dreaded journey into the unknown.20130621_101854

Rewind back an hour and my sister is just waking up to my mom tapping her toe, sitting on the couch. As my sister approaches her, mom says “Hi!”. My sister senses something “off” and comes around to get a closer look at my mom. My sweet, kind, generous mother is slumped over on her left side and slurring her words. She’s repeating herself and not forming full sentences. “Let dogs out.” “Dogs go out.” “Let dogs go.” My sister immediately sits beside her and props her up against herself. She calls out to my nieces and nephews and orders my niece to call 911 and my nephew to call my brother for help. They respond quickly and calmly. Help arrives quickly and my mom is packed into the back of an ambulance and whisked away. My sister saved my mom’s life.

Present day, my mom is home and walking and talking fairly normally. She has some left sided weakness and her mouth droops a bit on the left side when she smiles. She often ignores the left side of her field of vision and is slow to move her eyes in that direction. However, these are all signs of marked improvement. She went from complete left sided weakness, to nearly independent in a matter of a week. She definitely has a long road of physical therapy and conscious efforts to form new pathways for menial tasks like looking at me while I sit on her left side, but I will take that any day. I still have my mom and she is even more cherished as a result.

❤ Kimberly

 Signs of a Stroke—Think FAST– Time is Brain

F: Facial– Can they smile? Do you notice a droop on one side?

A: Arms– Can they lift both arms? Is one weak?

S: Speech– Is their speech slurred or muddled?

T: Time: Time to call 911

5 Things I Love About Living Abroad.

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There’s something fantastically thrilling about taking the leap to live abroad. Watching all of our worldly possessions packed neatly into cardboard boxes and loaded into crates that will set sail for another shore that will soon be our home, sets butterflies a flight in my belly. Perhaps, living in the same city for most of my life has stirred a sense of spontaneity that can only be satiated with a big, bold move to say… South Korea! Then, as if that weren’t enough, we kept the party going and shifted over to the UK. Through these life-changing experiences, I’ve gathered a list of what I like most about the ex-pat lifestyle. Here is that list in no particular order:japan traveler
1. The thing that I love the most is the being close to the other side of the world. On the weekends and in those rare vacation opportunities, your options for travel are endless. You know how you have your go-to stay-cation spots, or those road trips that are sure to satisfy? Well, living in a new place offers so many unexplored destinations. It’s always a challenge picking the first trip location. So exciting!

2. THE. FOOD. As a proud “eater,” (notice I do not call myself a “foodie”—that’s another blog post) living abroad opens you up to so many new food choices. Now, this differs from just traveling to a location and eating at the local haunts. What I mean is wandering through your neighborhood, following the crowd, and waiting an ungodly amount of time to get a seat in the local pub, because you know the wait has to be worth it. When you’re on vacation, ain’t nobody got time for dat.
3. Meeting new friends, local and ex-pat alike, makes it all so much more memorable. There’s something really uniting about meeting someone who is in the same shoes as you and understands the ups and downs of being away from home. Likewise, meeting people who have only known your new town as their home creates a bond that is unmatchable as you begin to find the beauty in your new friend’s home. People make it all worth it. food
4. Being an outsider has its perks. While it can be tiring, most of the time being a foreigner creates an immediate topic of discussion. Depending on where this conversation is taking place, you can totally be whoever you want to be. 🙂 It’s perfectly OK to make up a wacky, whimsical story of where you are from and how you got to this random pub at midnight with an “I’m 30 & Flirty” button pinned on your blouse. Come on, don’t all ex-pats do that… sometimes?
5. For the first few months of moving to a new place, I ban iPods, CDs, etc. in my car, because I really want to listen to local radio. I truly get a feel for my new home by listening to local radio. I enjoy learning the popular music of the country and also the local DJ discussing upcoming events and news.
With that said, certainly there are drawbacks to being an ex-pat. I will not lead you to believe that I do not get homesick and long for familiarity, but if there’s one thing I’ve learned being away from home, it is to focus on benefits. This experience is not forever and I would be a fool to squander it by wishing for something different. So, let me know what you think is the best part of living where you live…
❤ Kimberly

I have anxiety.

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I bought this blog page 2 weeks ago. I thought you should know that. It took me two long weeks to settle my life and mind enough to rattle out my first post. That is anxiety.

I have struggled with anxiety and depression most of my years on this planet. Whether or not I knew how to articulate those emotions in my early years is a fair question, but here I sit at thirty years old and clearly remember feeling like I am experiencing life emotionally different than my most of my peers. Trying to justify my lengthy struggle with depression and anxiety is not something I am interested in doing here [or ever], but trust me when I say, I am often imprisoned by my own emotional mind.

Tonight is one such night. I cannot sleep, I cannot relax, and I cannot explain it. My sweet husband lay sleeping in the bed downstairs and I even have two lovely houseguests staying over that are tucked away in the guest bedroom. But, here I sit sipping wine and trying to quiet the racing thoughts in my mind and raging through my chest.

Why, you ask? I am not sure. I cannot explain what I do not understand. All I know is I struggle to control it from time to time and I need you to know that. I  need to be more vocal about this, because every time things get so bad, I feel so alone. I feel like I cannot share things that have no definitive explanations. I am a very logical person and anxiety/depression is the most illogical condition. I should be able to reason through this and make it all come to a rational conclusion. But I can’t. And, you cant.

So, here I sit. Taking the first step in bringing people into the prison in hopes of making my condition a comfortable topic of discussion. I want to share and I want you to share. I want to relate. We need to relate. This is life and not talking about things that ail us does not make them go away.

Yay for heavy first blog post.

❤ Kimberly.